A Small Favour
by ElspethElf
Summary: Right, new condition,' Sirius says, loudly. 'Say yes, or I'm going to put my hand down your pants. The front way,' he adds, as an extra threat.'Remus should know by now that what Sirius wants, he gets. Contain banter, a fight, a kiss, and plenty of awkwar


Many thanks to the wonderful alphabet54 for reading over.

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A Small Favour**

**By Elspethelf**

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There are many things Remus Lupin is willing to do for Sirius. Lending him class notes, allowing him to 'finish' his dinner, making up excuses when he gets into a particularly stupid spot, and even so bold a thing as to deliberately misdirect the professors, if only to spare him of yet another night in detention with Filch.

Remus remembers the time in first year when, having received a howler from his mother, Sirius stormed out of the hall and locked himself in the bathroom. When Remus finally managed to pry his way in, he found Sirius red-eyed and sniffling, curled up in the empty bath tub. Angry, humiliated, he had smashed every glass bottle there was in the room. Remus remembers, with some affection, climbing into the tub to put an arm around Sirius. Of course this act of sympathy invited a painful punch in the face, but that was the first time he was allowed to see Sirius at his weakest, and it had felt good and, somehow, reassuring.

There are other, less pleasant memories. The time Sirius begged him to be his hex practice target, for example. Despite his absolute assurance that he knew perfectly what he was doing, and the pathetic, please-forgive-me apologies afterwards, Remus still had to endure two, excruciatingly painful days of having a pair of breasts. Luckily for him the breasts, like Sirius's spell, were sloppy and could be hidden under a very thick fleece. Unluckily for him, it was the middle of summer.

The point is, Remus always complies with various favours for his friend, be it out of the kindness of his heart or, in some case, 'nudged' in the right direction by Sirius's flaying fist. Remus considers himself a very sacrificial friend. If he drops dead right this minute, he will certainly become a martyr. But even martyrs cannot do the undoable, which presents itself one Thursday afternoon.

'Bloody hell. Bloody…Ow! _Shit!_ Merlin's stupid… _sodding…_ beard!'

Remus and James look up from their chess game in time to see Sirius stumble through the portrait hole, his clothes dishevelled ungainly and hobbling on one foot. He is muttering curses to himself, eyebrows scrunched together and apparently too busy to notice their presence by the fire.

'Sirius, you all right?' James asks.

'It's over, all over.' Sirius mutters distractedly. 'Over, really over…' He seems utterly unaware of been addressed.

'Oy! Black!' James yells, and after a second, waves his arms wildly in the air. 'Hello? Can you hear me, and more importantly, _are you still sane_? BLACK!' He throws a chess piece at him.

This seems to finally knock Sirius out of his stupor. He blinks, turns around, and stares dazedly at his two friends.

'Do you want to sit down?' Remus asks.

Sirius does, plonking himself almost violently on the seat. He sits there in silence, twiddling his thumbs, staring with that same distracted manner into the fire, and with no warning whatsoever, gets up and flings himself against Remus. The chess pieces scatter everywhere, Remus's chair tilts on two legs, wavers for one heart-stopping second before crashing on to the floor. Sirius's head collide into Remus's chin, causing him to bite his own lips.

'Oww! _Dammit,_ Sirius!'

James rushes over to pull them up. Remus finds his bottom lip bleeding, and shoots a venomous glare at Sirius.

'Tell us what's wrong,' James says, supporting him by the arms. 'Blimey, you're _shaking_ all over! Here, sit down, mate.'

'It's over,' Sirius says simply.

'_What's_ over?'

'Everything! _Me. _I'm emotionally scarred for life. I can never show my face to the world again.'

'Enough of that, spit it out!' James commands, and then says in scared tone, 'Did…did something awful happen?'

'Yes!' Sirius wails, and buries his head into his hands. 'I'll never live it down. My life is doomed.'

'Let me guess, you had a fight with Severus and lost?' Remus suggests tersely, still irritated at him for his previous assault. He dabs gingerly at his bleeding lip.

Sirius flashes him a remorseful look. 'Heartless,' he says. 'I sit mortally injured beyond relief and you suggest something as disgusting as _loosing to Snivellus?_'

'He didn't mean it,' James soothes, and pats his head. 'Now tell us what the matter is. I wasn't expecting you back so early. Didn't you say you had a date with…hold on a minute.' James narrows his eyes.

'Helena Gilmour,' Sirius nods. 'You know her, Ravenclaw chaser, fifth year, blond hair, blue eyes and only _the_ number one sex on legs in our year.'

'Go on…' James says slowly, through what sounds like clenched teeth and over-friendly patience.

'Well, you know my love for her has been unrequited and pure, and you remember the day she finally agreed to go out with me?'

'Good lord, how could we forget?' Remus says quietly. He begins to collect the scattered chess pieces on the floor.

'You should've seen her tonight. Her hair golden like the sun, her soft, caressing hands running down my – '

'Get to the point,' James hisses.

'She was sprawled out magnificently beneath me and I was lifting her skirt up her thighs, hearing her sigh in pleasure – '

'Sirius!'

'When she dumps me!' Sirius all but shrieks, his face the look of utter horror and indignation, as if getting dumped is the sort of thing that happens to everyone, just not to him.

'So she dumped you,' James says, deadly calm.

'Yes! Wretched little bitch!'

'And that's what's bothering you.'

'Most painfully.'

'Right,' James says, and he whacks Sirius soundly on the head.

'What do you do that for?' Sirius yelps.

'What do you think, you wanker!' James yells back. 'You had me really worried for a second. Bloody hell, I should've known anything 'scarred for life' is the equivalent of getting your ego trimmed.'

Remus studies Sirius from the floor, a bishop and a knight in his hand. Sirius is over-dramatising, that much is clear, but there is something else, something like genuine edginess in his eyes. He is squirming too much on his seat, cringing unexpectedly from time to time, as if remembering something unpleasant. Remus decides this behaviour is definitely unusual.

'There's more, isn't there,' he asks, and Sirius starts.

'Don't know what you mean,' he says unconvincingly.

'Come on, you've been dumped before and it never used to bother you like this. Something else happened, something she said or did.'

A look of panic flits across Sirius's face, then it changes to anger, to embarrassment, and finally he sighs. 'Fine, you're right,' he says reluctantly. 'There _is_ something else. Afterwards I…I asked her why and she said…she said …' It looks as if it is costing Sirius every ounce of his pride to explain exactly what Helena Gilmour had said. 'ShesaiIwasabakisser,' he mumbles hurriedly.

'Sorry, what was that?' James asks.

'She said I was a bad kisser!' Sirius shrieks again, rather hysterically. 'Me! Bad at _kissing_!'

There is a moment of silence. Then James coughs, too loudly. He looks as if he is trying to swallow laughter, which is better, Remus supposes, than trying to throttle Sirius as he had minutes before.

'How can she say that?' Sirius debates aloud, his face screws up with disgust. 'I am a fantastic kisser! Everyone knows that. I have the _X_ factor. I don't understand why she didn't fall for it.'

'Well, I mean,' James says, clearly struggling. 'Maybe you bit her tongue by accident? Or coughed into her mouth or something.'

'Who are you talking to, James Potter,' Sirius demands in indignation. 'Bite her tongue by _accident_? That's _first year_ mistakes.'

'All right,' James says calmly. 'I guess it just means you really are a lousy kisser then.'

'But…'Sirius splutters. 'But…but…' His eyes bulge convulsively. 'Oh my god, what if I _am_ bad at kissing? But no one said anything…those girls, I thought they, I mean they acted like…_oh my god_!' Sirius grips the tip of James's tie and yanks him down so they are nose to nose. 'James,' his voice trembles, 'What if they are all laughing behind my back?'

'Oh, come on, that's stupid – '

'No, I mean it! What if there is an underground conspiracy against me? A Lets See How Badly Sirius Kisses society or Who Can Get The Worst Kiss Out Of Black!'

'Look, you're overreacting,' Remus says soothingly. He decides to forgive him for the bleeding lip, though this generosity is spurred on by the guilt of feeling secretly pleased. Sirius, for once in his life, is acting far from his arrogant, overconfident, cocky self with an ego the size of Hogwarts. It is such a refreshing, pleasant change, not having to listen to him brag and boast, that Remus is tempted to leave him there. But all good things must come to an end, and Remus feels the nagging responsibility to relieve his friend.

'No no, it's no use,' Sirius interrupts, shaking his head wildly. 'Nothing you say will change the fact that she – stupid, _stupid_ cow! – called me a bad kisser. Oh my god, Remus, do you really think I'm a bad kisser?'

'How would I know? I've never kissed you.' As soon as Remus says this, he regrets it with a stab of panic. It is the most _stupid_ comment he can ever make, because even as he thinks this, he can see ideas stirring behind Sirius' pale, blue eyes; thoughtful, calculating, and downright suspicious.

'Moony,' Sirius begins but Remus cuts him short.

'No. Absolutely not. I will not agree to this.'

'You don't even know what I was going to ask.'

'Yes I do, and you can forget it,' Remus snaps.

'But you _have_ to _help_ me!' Sirius begs, and his eyes go wide and round. Remus's heart sinks. He knows Sirius too well to understand that having wide and round eyes is the symptom leading to an assail of begging, wailing and demanding. True enough, Sirius launches into the attack.

'Come on Moony, it's just a kiss. All you have to do is tell me what I'm doing wrong.'

Remus panics. 'Why does it have to be me? Why not James? Or Peter.'

'_Because_,' Sirius says, as if it is obvious, 'James is practically my brother so it would be incest.'

'That's right,' James says approvingly.

'And Pete has never kissed a girl before so he wouldn't know the difference.'

'There you go then,' Remus says triumphantly. 'I've never kissed anyone either.'

'Liar,' Sirius shoots back. 'Rosalinda Davies, Emily Christianson.'

Remus gasps. 'How do you…! '

'Please, Moony,' Sirius begs. '_Please_. It's not like I'm asking you to shag me.'

'No,' Remus says weakly. 'I am eternally grateful.'

'You know I'd never ask it of you if it wasn't important.' He rests his chin on Remus's knees, looks up and makes a sad, lost-puppy face.

'That's grotesque,' Remus says. The sudden weight of Sirius's head makes him momentarily confused. 'Remember those breasts!' he babbles wildly. 'You said that was important too, and then look what happened.'

'And I've already apologised a million times for it. Anyway you are practically a girl so it wasn't that disastrous. Point is, there are no charms or jinxes this time, just me. Look, it's _me_, Moony, what're you afraid of? It's not that big a deal'

And it isn't, shouldn't, but the more Remus refuses, the more determined and agitated Sirius got until pretty soon it _becomes_ a big deal.

'I thought you were my friend,' Sirius accuses, changing tactics. 'Look at all the things I've done for you. I turned dog for you, even though at the risk of spending the rest of my life with a tail and a snout, and it took me bloody years to get it right. I beat up Snape for you.'

'You beat up Snape anyway,' James points out.

'Moony,' Sirius moans, and he actually stamps his foot. 'My reputation is at stake here. Dating as from today will become none-existent if you don't help me.'

Remus purses his lips. 'Well, I guess you'll just have to live _without_ feeling up girls then.'

Something inside Sirius snaps. 'Fine,' he shouts. '_Fine_! Be like that. I'll go and find someone _less of a prude_ to help me.' He turns and storms out through the portrait.

There is a long, heated silence, broken down by heavy breathing.

'Thanks a lot for your help and support,' Remus snaps at James, whose mouth hangs open in a 'o' of surprise, and stalks upstairs towards the dormitory.

'What's up with him?' Peter asks the following evening, staring at Sirius whose body radiates all the warning signs a person needs to approach him with caution. Or not at all.

'I am dying of boredom, that's what,' Sirius says sourly. 'James is off stalking Evans, Quidditch got cancelled, and _I_, who – let me remind you – is usually getting into girls' knickers right about now, is very much girl-_less_! Thanks to a _certain_ person!' He shoots a poisonous look towards Remus.

'Oh,' Peter says.

'Get over it,' Remus snaps. 'It won't kill you to spend a day without accosting girls.'

Sirius opens his mouth to retort back but Remus breezes across the common room and up the stairs.

Sirius's mood continues throughout the next two days. The tension between the two boys gets to such a level that James offers himself up to kiss Sirius instead, if only to have his two friends back again. But Sirius only refuses, much to everyone's exasperation. 'It's _him_ or no one,' he says, which Remus finds ridiculous because it isn't even about the kiss anymore. Once again the argument becomes a fight for dominance, a battle of the will, of seeing who will give in first.

Then, quite unexpectedly, Sirius drops his sour mood.

Remus feels significant relief. He always found it difficult to concentrate when he knows someone, especially Sirius, is mad at him. He hasn't slept properly since the first day, worrying about what he should do. Always the pacifist, he admits coming very close to giving in.

So it is with a sense of achievement and peacefulness that Remus stretches out, belly down on his bed, reading, A Tale of Two Cities, by Charles Dickens. He is too far absorbed in the book to notice the stealthy shadow that falls across his body.

A heavy weight suddenly crashes down on Remus's back and he yells in surprise as Sirius sits on top of him, legs straddling his hips.

_Bugger_, Remus thinks, and, praying that his spine is still intact, attempts to swipe Sirius off by flinging his arms backwards. Sirius catches hold of his arms easily and pins it down.

'Gerroff!' Remus shouts into the pillow. 'I thought we've sorted this out!'

'_You_ thought we've sorted it out,' Sirius corrects him. There is a trace of triumph in his voice. 'You'll have to help me this time,' he says. 'I haven't pulled a girl in four days. _You_ might be asexual and gets the urges of a Buddhist monk, but I'm going to go crazy without at _least_ having – '

Remus summons all his energy and bucks his hips in the hope of throwing Sirius off, but the boy simply leans in and fastens his arms, like a clamp literally, around Remus's middle.

The sudden closeness throws Remus into confusion and panic. For a moment he forgets to breathe.

'There's no point in struggling,' Sirius says amiably. 'I'm not getting off you unless you say you'll help me. I'll squeeze you to death with my legs.' To demonstrate, he presses his knees against Remus's hips, squeezing hard so that it becomes even more difficult to breathe.

Remus is familiar with the 'Give In Or Torture' tactic, but today he is ill prepared. In a flurry of panic, fear, and intense, pounding heat, Remus notices, much to his horror, the stealthy, incessant pain and twitches right _there_.

_This is _not_ happening_, and, _this is so unfair_, flashes across Remus's mind as he desperately flattens himself against the bed so that Sirius won't notice anything.

'Hmm?' Do you give up then?' drawls Sirius's lazy voice. 'Its quite comfy lying on your back, you know, I'm in no hurry to get off.'

'You are so utterly unreasonable,' Remus says petulantly. 'Do you get a sadistic kick from pissing people off?'

'Yeah, I do,' Sirius replies cheerfully. His fingers are absentmindedly playing with the folds on Remus's shirt. Much of the hem has come loose from his trousers, and Sirius is making circles with his nails on the exposed skin of Remus's waist.

'Stop that,' Remus says sharply.

'Ooh, touchy.' Sirius continues to move his fingers, deliberately this time, running them beneath the shirt and along his spine.

Remus makes an odd, choking sort of noise, much to the other boy's delight.

'Right, new condition,' Sirius says loudly. 'Say yes, or I'm putting my hand down your pants. The front way,' he adds, as an extra threat.

'There is something terribly, terribly wrong with your head,' Remus groans.

'Well, what's it gonna be?' Sirius asks. 'Yes or my hand down you pants.'

'You wouldn't dare…' Remus breathes, but of course Sirius dares.

Quite calmly, he pulls at the belt and jabs his hand in. Remus yelps at the freezing contact.

'You pervert! Get your dirty paw out!'

The hand is wriggling painfully just where the backbone ends, and it moves with grim determination around the pelvis and tries to push its way to the front. Remus presses his belly hard against the bed, hoping to somehow squeeze the hand out of his trousers. He feels himself twitch dangerously down below just as Sirius's hand digs deeper.

'Nnnrrgh!' Remus screams. 'All right! All _right_, I give up. Now get your…get your goddamn hand _out_!'

The waistband snaps back with a triumphant twang, and Sirius smirks proudly.

'Knew you'd get there in the end. All right, turn around.'

'You are so utterly disturbed!' Remus complains, but turns over anyway. He glances furtively at his trousers, thanking the stars when he finds no telltale sign. Sighing, he heaves himself onto his elbows, Sirius's warm weight still on top of him.

'Go on then,' Remus tells him, trying not to let on just how nervous he is.

But now that Remus has agreed, has even tilted his chin up just for the purpose, Sirius seems to forget why he is there. He stares down at Remus, mouth partially open, an odd, dazed look in his eyes.

Then he grins. 'Right, just tell me what I'm doing wrong,' he says and presses his mouth against Remus's.

If Remus isn't too busy trying to breathe, he would surely be laughing at the irony of events. _Sirius_ asking _Remus_ to tell him a thing or two on _kissing_! Fate has a cruel humour, indeed.

Sirius's lips are warm and soft, Remus notes, and taste faintly of pumpkin juice. It feels quiet pleasant actually, he thinks, then feels horrified at his own thought. In his momentary shock, he opens his mouth and suddenly Sirius's tongue is inside his mouth. Merlin's beard, Sirius's _tongue_ is in his _mouth_!

Remus panics again, wondering how long Sirius planned to do this. As far as he can tell, there is nothing terribly 'wrong' about the way Sirius is kissing, other than the fact that right now it is _Remus_, which is definitely not right.

'Nerrgh,' Remus says against Sirius's mouth. Somehow he is lying flat on the bed, Sirius pressed in on top of him. Remus has no recollection of how on earth they ended up in this compromising position, but there you go. Fate has her cruel, wicked ways.

And then suddenly, Sirius's hand is everywhere, across his chest, along his waist, the flat of his stomach, his hips, thighs, and…

Remus pushes Sirius away violently, but it is too late. Sirius sits back, staring with wide, shocked eyes at Remus. He does not bother to hide the direction of his gaze.

'Moony – '

'Don't,' Remus says angrily. He finds it easier to hide his embarrassment by being furious. 'Just _don't_.' He moves to get out of the bed but Sirius grabs his arms.

'Moony, listen, I didn't mean to – '

'_What_, exactly. You didn't mean to what?' Remus hisses angrily, and roughly shakes Sirius off. 'Didn't mean to run your bloody hand all over me, is that it?'

'Look, I'm sorry! I just…when I kiss a girl I get carried away – '

'Well maybe _that's_ your problem then, isn't it? Maybe that's why the girl dumped you. That you get carried away and get your…_fucking_ …hands all over where _they are not wanted_!' Remus practically spits the words out. His face burns with hot shame at the way Sirius's eyes darts furtively from his face to his crotch, as if not quite believing what he is seeing.

'And just in case you're too _carried away_ to notice, I am not a sodding girl!'

Sirius looks truly miserable. 'Moony, I'm really sorry, I didn't mean – '

'No,' Remus shoots back. 'No, you never mean _anything_. Nothing means a damn thing to you.'

'That's not what I – '

'Just forget it,' Remus snaps, and he jumps violently off the bed, tucks his shirt furiously back into his trousers, and slams the door.

That night Remus cannot sleep. He cannot sleep because he cannot stop his body from trembling, his mind from playing over and over again the horrible scene that afternoon; Sirius's lips, the warmness, the horrible, fatal brush of fingertips against Remus's legs. The astonished face of Sirius looms ominously in his mind, and Remus cringes, burying his head beneath a pillow. For the one hundredth time that evening he curses himself for having a bloody _hard_ _on_ because of _Sirius_ and getting caught. There can surely be no scenario more humiliating that that.

'Suicide, that's the only way,' he mutters to himself. 'Maybe I'll go to the Whomping Willow and offer my neck to the trunk.'

It is in this highly agitated and volatile mood that Remus feels somebody clamber into his bed. Any word describing the feeling of shock or anger is an understatement of what Remus feels now.

'Do you want to _die_? Get the hell out of my bed!' Remus hisses, and pushes hard at Sirius.

'I'll go in a sec,' Sirius replies, and settles himself firmly next to Remus. His voice is normal, friendly, as if nothing remotely strange has happened. 'It's just that, you know, back there you kind of rushed off quickly and forgot to tell me something.'

Remus gapes at Sirius.

'Like, you forgot to tell me what I was doing wrong.'

Remus opens his mouth, struggles wildly, then closes it. Of all the things he is expecting, _this_ certainly isn't it.

'Come on, Moony,' Sirius pleads. 'Help a guy out here, give me your judgement. I'm all ears.'

Remus says weakly, 'I…_have_.' In his astonishment he forgets to be angry. Strangely, he does not feel embarrassment either, and puts that down to the darkness and the total bizarreness of the whole situation. 'I said you force y - '

'Yeah, I know that part already,' Sirius says hurriedly. 'But what Gilmour said was that I was bad at _kissing_, so you have to tell me what I'm doing wrong regarding the way I _kiss_.'

This is insane, Remus thinks to himself. Either that or I'm dreaming. But the breathing, wriggling bundle of heat next to him is anything but a dream as it pokes him questioningly.

'You're not…' Remus starts faintly and with difficulty. 'You're not, as far as I can tell, doing anything…_wrong_. I mean,' he falters slightly. 'I mean I'm not…so I don't know … but like…yeah. No, nothing wrong.'

'So you liked it then?'

There is a bitter pause.

'_Apparently_,'

Remus expects an awkward silence following his words, or an uncomfortable sideways glance, but to his surprise, Sirius grins.

'It's all right, you know, about that,' he says lightly. 'Happens all the time.'

To you? Or _around_ you? Remus wants to ask but keeps quiet.

'I mean, it doesn't have to be…be anything _significant_. It's probably because of the touching, um, which was my fault, but eh, well like I said, it can happen to anyone. No biggie. Right?'

'Right,' Remus says, 'No biggie,' and he is surprised at how wonderfully simple everything seemed when Sirius puts it this way.

Sirius grins.

'What?'

'You said biggie, get it?'

'Grow up.'

Sirius yawns, and pats himself grandly on the chest. 'Besides,' he says smugly, 'With my incredibly sexy body, its no surprise you got a hard on. In fact, I would've been very offended if you didn't.'

'And here is where I kick you out of my bed,' Remus says curtly, but he is relieved. Sirius doesn't mind! It is such a wonderful piece of knowledge that Remus feels giddy with relief.

'Erm…Moony?' Sirius asks, tentatively.

Bugger.

'Yes?'

Sirius turns his head to look at Remus. 'You're not… mad at me anymore, are you?'

'No. I suppose I'm not.'

'So…so I can still touch you and you won't fly into a rage?'

'As long as you're not snogging me as well.'

'Great!' Sirius gives Remus's tummy a quick squeeze. 'Night then,' he says and tumbles out of bed.

Remus stares at the ceiling in silence, still savouring the knowledge that he didn't have to offer himself to the Whompin Willow after all, that things can go on as normal. He wonders if Sirius truly meant what he said, about it been all right, and decides that for now, he doesn't care. But what is certain is that he will never _really_ understand the logic of Sirius Black, and with that conclusion, he closes his eyes and falls asleep, a very faint smile on his lips.


End file.
